Release

Something woke up in my brain the other day. I don't know why, just for some reason everything was in order and the planets were aligned? Whatever it was, its cool, because I am happy it happened.

I tend to worry about other people close to me more than I need to. I want to control and obsess over thoughts I have about others. Especially Ted. Its hard not to, I mean he is my "other half". But I get so sucked into it sometimes that it messes with my sanity. I get so wrapped up in solving his problems that I am more stressed than he is. I want nothing more than to solve the problem and then I tend to think its my fault....if I only did this..or said that.....

But then, the other day, when Ted was going through some stressful thing that he had made happen all by himself, for some reason I thought, OMG, he has put himself in this situation, he can deal with it on his own. I know he's capable. Hes a big boy. And whatever other people think because of what hes doing, doesn't have to matter to me. He is his own person. Its ok to let him deal with his own issues. And its going to be ok for me to tell other people that too.
Of course I will help if he asks, and listen if he needs me to, but all that extra brain power that no one else even sees, yeah, I will be using that on more productive things now. Thank you very much. And that was it...it just clicked.

So, I smiled to myself, let it go, said goodbye to the control and obsessive thoughts. released the whole ball of madness. And an amazing thing happened...I felt peace. I felt sure. And I was not all stressed out and worried about things I can do nothing about. I could picture myself stepping out of that crappy place so that I can just give it all to whoever it belongs to. Where it belongs.

So, from now on I am going to work on letting other people deal with their own issues. Be more sure of my own personal life. I can only control me. I need all the energy I can get to do that. This also helps with my anxiety, which, gets worse when I try to control and monitor everyone else. I get obsessive with my thoughts and it drags me back to anxiety land. I have already let some other obsessive thoughts go and have seen a big change. Interesting huh....

I will let go more. I will control less. I will support and not push. Help, not hinder. And in turn I get to feel free and sure and strong and happy and at peace.

What made this finally come through, I am not sure. I am just very very happy that it has.

A Passionate Life

I am learning that the best way to be happy and get what I want in life is to fully focus on myself. I can't speak for everyone of course, but it sure seems to work for me. I remember back to all the times things happened to me that were what I wanted, or just plain awesome. And I was in a certain frame of mind. A focused, personal, selfish, frame of mind. But times when I was LOOKING for things and forcing myself to be open to anything, I stunted myself and nothing happened. Or I backslid. Very interesting huh?

I need to have a passionate plan for my life and I need to go for it with everything I have. And along the way I find that I kind of pop my head up once in a while and go "OH holy crap. I have wanted that for a long time, awesome!" when something cool happens. Instead if willing, wishing hoping and praying for it.

I have heard this kind of thing a million times. I am sure you have too. But I finally get it! I have to say, its really not so hard. Just be YOU and fulfill your passion.

I am ME when I am passionate and focused on myself and my goals. I am fulfilling my life purpose. And when I am doing that, everything I want falls in my lap. Its easy because its just me. What you put out into the universe is what you get back...

Now, crap I read that first part and I sound like a bitch! HAHA! When I say selfish I am not saying in a bad or mean way. I actually have more opportunities to share and interact with other people when I am in my right frame of mind. That's just how I can explain it to someone else. All that matters is that I understand what the frame of mind is huh? lol
My point is that I have found my way. I have a plan. I feel passion about my life and my work. And everything I want is coming to me.

If you don't have that in your life, GET IT! Everyone deserves it.

You know what helps? Books! Get a book. A good book on self improvement of some kind. There are millions out there...I am just sayin....

12 years

I have a happy marriage. I think that anyone who knows me and Ted would tell you that. We've been together for 15 years. Married for 12. We just had our anniversary on the 21st. :)

And most people also know that being married...staying married... is hard work. Even if you are like us, and can count on one hand the number of fights we've had. That doesn't mean its still not hard. The turmoil that goes on in my head some days is unbearable. You have to sacrifice and bend and shape and consider.....
Plus if you get married young like we did...and have kids young like we did....that just adds to the stress.
Things that you NEVER EVER would have thought you would be able to live through, or would NEVER consider excepting, are now normal and excepted.
Its just so much more complicated than I ever thought it would be. And just when you think no one else is as crazy and nutty as you are, you hear from a couple that says something about their lives that is JUST like yours. And you think...damn. We are normal. OR...you think, is this it? Is this how the rest of my life will be?

I have gone through a lot of changes throughout our marriage, we both have. And to say we've been together for 15 years through all of those changes, makes me very proud. Ted told me that he feels very proud too....among other things, that made me cry. In a good way.

Marriage is another one of those things that you can't really understand until your in it. You can see couples from the outside, and know them one way, but in reality there is really no way to understand the inner, secret, relationship that goes on within it. Its intriguing to me.

Perspective. Just like everything else in life, its all about perspective. I think. And what is most important to you. What/who you need to help you survive this world. Your partner is a very important person. Pick them wisely.

Happy Anniversary Ted.